From Loneliness to Enjoying Solitude
There have been many times in my life where I’ve felt lonely, no matter how many people there were around. I’ve felt it while holding the handrail on a crowded bus, I’ve felt it at lively social gatherings, while walking down busy streets, even while holding hands with the person I’ve chosen as my life partner.
I’d describe the feeling as a sort of emptiness, of disconnection, as if I’m somehow a world apart from everyone else, and there’s nothing anybody can do or say to bring me back. And likewise, no matter what I say or do, it feels like nobody would understand me either.
In my twenties, I travelled extensively, most probably to get away from this empty, yet heavy feeling. No matter how far I ventured though, across oceans and continents, the loneliness eventually found its way back to me.
The root of the issue? I didn’t know how to be with myself. I was angry, self-critical, and self-doubting, unable to trust the person I believed I was. So when I showed up in front of the world, that insecurity projected itself. It wasn’t because of the absence nor the multitude of people around me, it was because of me. My inability to like and believe in myself was the root cause of my loneliness.
The solution? Well, part of it entailed literally sitting with myself in silence for 10 straight days, 10 hours a day (my introduction to Vipassana meditation). Although this isn’t a one size fits all recommendation, there are many benefits to finding silence and being with oneself, no matter the method or approach.
On my journey, finding silence has brought me to a place of self-acceptance. Somehow, I can now comprehend that I am part of a greater whole, that I’m just a small flame trying to find its way back to the larger flame, or a drop of water trying to find its way back to the ocean. The experiences and stories accumulated over time are baggage, only making the journey back to our source longer, heavier.
It goes without saying that letting go of baggage can be extremely emotional and challenging, sometimes requiring the help of a professional or guide. Everyone’s journey will be different.
Since understanding my relationship to the bigger picture, however, I no longer feel as much loneliness, but at times, actually crave solitude. I no longer shun myself; I accept and even enjoy my own company. It’s the greatest sense of peace and freedom.
The difference between solitude and loneliness is that solitude is warm and welcoming, all-encompassing. Loneliness, on the other hand, is isolating, devoid of connection.
And baggage? Yes, of course, I still carry baggage that still weighs me down, but what I understand now that I didn’t before is that everyone’s got baggage. This is our connection, this is our shared journey.
Although loneliness sometimes makes an appearance every so often, like it did today on my evening walk, it’s more the memory of it that resurfaces, rather than it having an actual presence in my life, as it once did.
Understanding our shared human experience has brought me from experiencing loneliness to enjoying my solitude. Spending time alone is now what reminds me of my connection to the greater whole and in that, there’s great comfort.
