The five colours blind the eye. The five tones deafen the ear. The five flavours dull the taste. Racing and hunting madden the mind. Precious things lead one astray.
Therefore the sage is guided by what he feels and not by what he sees. He lets go of that and chooses this.
— Lao Tzu, verse 12, Tao Te Ching
I open up the Tao Te Ching, which has been peacefully resting on my coffee table for a few weeks now – overlooked but not forgotten – and these are the words that humbly greet me. I imagine the face of the Old Master smiling, a bright twinkle in his eye. I chuckle in disbelief, but at the same time, lately these moments of happenstance have become more of a regular occurrence.
The coincidence is striking because I’ve recently become aware of an unconscious pattern that’s been repeatedly played out over time. In fact, I’ve just returned home from a friend’s place after discussing this very realization. The pattern of which I speak is perfectly articulated in verse 12 of Lao Tzu’s ancient text: the want for more, the want for better, the want for what I don’t have but could have. With the endless possibilities out there, this strive for more and better has provoked feelings of serious anxiety and inadequacy in the past, keeping me from happiness and from moving forward on my destined path.
A few examples:
Italy, Australia, the UK, Mexico. One country after the other, I hoped that moving on to the next best place would be the answer to all my troubles. It wasn’t.
(The dress!) 28/12/2018
Choosing my dress for Edgar’s and my celebration. In my mind, I had the image of what I wanted: a blue on white cheongsam, elegant, form fitting, and timeless. The very first dress I picked up and tried on when I walked into the shop checked off all these boxes. Still yet, I scoured the over-stocked racks for other dresses that might have a better fit, might be prettier, softer, or be a more suitable length. As I searched, the shopkeeper actually made a comment that should’ve been offensive, but wasn’t, given her frankness. I lacked intelligence, she said, because I wasn’t satisfied with what was clearly the perfect dress for me. I walked out of the store empty handed that day, maybe as a small sign of defiance. In a sense though, she had a point.
And most recently, contemplating pursuing a Master’s degree. Many signs point to the fact that the program offered by the Faculty of Applied Human Sciences at Concordia is the right one for me. After completing my certificate, I felt sad that my time there had been so short. Moreover, the Master’s is hands on, it’s personal, it’s life-changing according to the current students enrolled. Why wouldn’t this be the logical next step? But in the back of my mind, I felt the need to consider other universities and other programs. What if there was one better suited to my needs? One that might look better on paper? Be a more meaningful learning experience? I allowed the machine (as Dr. Wayne Dyer puts it) to work on autopilot for a few days, and that’s when I caught myself.
These feelings of angst are familiar. This neurotic behaviour. This urge to run off in search of something more promising. I’ve lived this before. But has it served me?
Well, after all this, it’s clear to me that I can now be at ease with the decision I felt inclined yet hesitant to make. It’s where this long and winding path has led me after all. Why look back only to question every previous step?? As described by the Old Master Lao Tzu, what a maddening undertaking indeed.
“Therefore the sage is guided by what he feels and not by what he sees. He lets go of that and chooses this.”
Today, this feels right and so it’s what I choose.
