Life Skills: Asking for Help
In grade 11 jazz band, it was tradition to go around elementary schools putting on concerts that everyone loved. One of the songs we played that year was the Spider Man theme. On top of not really being familiar with the song, it was a piece that we hadn’t spent much time rehearsing and unluckily for me, I had a solo in it that I just could not get down.
Every time I got up to the microphone, I faked it, moving my fingers on the brass buttons of the sax, barely making a peep. The rest of the band played loud enough, so I prayed that nobody would notice. If anybody did, it would’ve been my music teacher. I’m not sure why, but he never said anything to me about it.
All that time spent suffering through that 10-bar solo, yet it never crossed my mind to ask for help. Why??
In fact, I spent all of my elementary, secondary, and post-secondary education getting by without ever really asking questions or asking for help. My grades were always fair to great and it just never occurred to me as something I should or could do. If anything, I was the one offering help to others, earning extra cash on the side as a tutor.
Even as a young adult starting her career in teaching, asking for help never came to me naturally. I had these expectations that bearing the brunt of my personal and professional challenges was just a part of life. I was never taught the skill of asking for help. I didn’t even know it could be a skill! My way of coping was instead to run away. I left the teaching profession. I moved countries. I gave up interests as soon as they required a higher skill level.
In short, I didn’t know how to deal with situations as soon as they got tough. So what led me to eventually learn how to reach out for support?
First, I had to recognize how my Chinese culture influenced how I perceived figures of authority. Growing up in a culture with a high power distance, I was taught that there was a separation between me and my elders. I listened and fulfilled my duties, stifling my ability to express my needs and my willingness to approach individuals whom I considered a superior.
As I became more aware of this conditioning, I was better able to change my perception, although at times difficult to fully overcome. This did allow, however, for more opportunities to interact with others.
Engaging more frequently in conversation also opened the way to building connections and relationships. These connections facilitated my ability to share my experience with others, which over time, naturally led to talking about a difficulty or challenge that I was facing. In practicing self-expression, I became better at deciphering my needs.
What may have seemed like a tangled up ball of yarn slowly began to unravel itself the more I learned how to communicate. My ability to ask for help developed with my ability to not only connect with others, but to openly express myself and share my experiences.
Another thing I’ll add is that along the way, I had to accept my vulnerability. Not everyone is willing to expose their problems for fear of appearing incapable or weak, but embracing our imperfection (see Brené Brown) also plays a huge part in getting the support we need.
To this day, I still find myself reluctant to reach out when I’m going through a hard time. I still have a tendency to withdraw, not wanting to expose myself and my troubles. Although over time, I’ve developed my skill for asking for help, my biggest struggle remains admitting that I don’t have it all together, which I believe to be true for many of us.
Asking for help doesn’t demonstrate weakness, it’s actually the total opposite. Had I understood this when I was 16, maybe I’d still be playing the saxophone. Maybe I’d still be teaching!
Either way, what I’ve learned on this journey is that doing it all on my own is not realistic. If we can accept our shared imperfection and be brave enough to say it out loud, we can more easily overcome our difficulties with the help of those around us. We are never alone, so why go that route?
