The Storm Before the Calm

In the last few years, I’ve had 2 very vivid dreams of ghoulish entities either trying to offload their misery onto me, or trying to pull at me so they could drag me off into the darkness.  On both occasions, I was in a state of sleep paralysis; conscious, yet no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t move and I couldn’t call out.  I struggled and fought with all my might until eventually, I let out a blood curdling scream, startling the demons away and no doubt, startling awake my partner and probably the entire building.   

I remember these nightmares often, especially when I’m feeling down.  Today, I feel even less inspired than last week, angry at the world, angry at myself.  I find myself questioning every decision I’ve made to bring me to this very moment.  Why can’t I keep a stable job?  Why do I become so easily depleted with routine?  Why do I always seem to start one thing and then end up abandoning ship?  I feel like I’m getting nowhere.

Slaves to our mind, slaves to our thoughts.  The fight is real to stave off the monsters and demons that come running, or that hide in our closets or under our beds, ready to jump out and get us at any moment.   

The numbing heaviness can be so consuming that I really do contemplate scrapping everything I’ve started and calling it quits.  From my late teens to my late twenties, I spent a decade feeling like this almost all the time.  Although it’s taken me years to gather different tools and resources to help deal with these periods, I’m now aware that whatever it is I’m going through will eventually pass, as long as I’m willing to keep moving.  

At this moment, I can very much feel the weight of negativity and the terror of demons grabbing at me.  Throughout the day, I could feel myself slipping, falling into these old patterns of self-destructive thinking, but I kept resisting.  Just like in those nightmares, I know that if I continue fighting, that I can break free and that yes, the heaviness will pass.  

It’s a conscious effort to remind myself that this is only temporary, that lighter days are ahead — just thinking about this now is actually helping to reinforce my will to keep going. I know now from experience that a period of pessimistic unrest is always followed by one of tranquility and hope for the future.  The storm before the calm.  It’s a continuous cycle that I’m learning to accept and as time goes on, getting better at navigating.