Uninspired? Show Up Anyway
I wasn’t going to write today. After work, which I finished later than expected, I went for a stroll around the neighbourhood with Edgar (my partner) and we picked up some dinner (Pita Bar on Hochelaga — worth it!!).
By the time I finished scarfing down my chicken gyro pita, rice, fries, and feta, it was about 8:30 PM. I was full. Maybe a 12 on a scale from 1 to 10. No motivation to write.
I opened up a blank document and started, but was just not feeling it. I moved on to compiling all my tax documents instead, that’s how inspired I was. Then, I moped around for some time before hopping in the shower.
Belly still heavy, sudsing up the soap, I thought to myself, “Working only when inspired is a trap”. I’ve heard several teachers of mine say this. Only working when we feel alive and energized does not bear the fruits many of us wish for. In fact, it is showing up with consistency that invokes the power of our creativity and the fruits of our labour. I’ve been told that if I create only when inspiration strikes, then I am unlikely to reach my goals.
So here I am. I showed up despite wanting to just sprawl out on my couch and whine about how I should be writing and doing my qi gong exercises. I tried to convince myself that tomorrow, tomorrow would be a better day when I’d feel more motivated. Procrastination. Does that sound familiar to you at all? Why do we love to do it?? I think it’s self-loathing. Procrastination is the purest form of self-sabotage!
And why do I self-sabotage? Well, maybe it’s my unconscious self whispering in my ear that I’m not good enough — not worthy enough to succeed, not talented enough to produce something of value. These words certainly sound familiar:
– “That doesn’t make sense” (my mom)– “I didn’t ask you to make this” (my gr. 5 English teacher)– “That’s not a real word!! [although I found it in the dictionary]” (my gr. 11 English teacher)– “Go into teaching like Phoebe. Anybody can do that” (an extended family member)– “She’s not one of us” (an old peer commenting to a friend of mine)
Who knows? Is my tendency to procrastinate due to all these hurtful words lurking, hiding in dark corners of my mind? Perhaps. I can still remember them and every so often, they’ll pop into my head for a visit. The good news is that with all the work I’ve done to sharpen my ability to observe my mind, I can look back and understand how none of those words are personal, but only a reflection of the inner workings of the person who dared utter them.
So I showed up today even though my habitual go-to on an evening like this was to put off any work and just leave it til tomorrow. I may have whined a little, but then I came to my senses. When dealing with lack of inspiration or procrastination, it helps to think about it as little demons trying to hold us back — 𝑂𝐻 𝑁𝑂 𝑌𝑂𝑈 𝐷𝑂𝑁’𝑇!
I’m learning that showing up whether I feel like it or not is key to building a habit of consistency. I’ve often used the excuse that I’m not a creature of habit, that I loathe routine, but I know that where there is resistance, there is learning to be done.
And now that I’ve worked through said resistance, I feel like a million bucks.
