Why Taking a Year “Off” Doesn’t Actually Exist
+This post is from the first edition of my blog entitled You Are Here+
A few days ago, June 27th marked the end of a full year I decided to take “off” to see where life would take me. I’d already slowed down to a part-time routine working and studying, but this journey was really more about saying NO to things that didn’t feel right and YES to everything else that did. A year later, I still struggle with anxiety and self-doubt.
The good news is that I’ve learned to better manage these feelings and can now acknowledge them without letting them completely take over. My time “off” was a lesson on how this concept doesn’t actually exist – our minds are always ON and it’s learning how to play (and master) the game.
When I first wrote this post, it reflected only the positive. I actually don’t think I’ve ever felt so alive as I did during this last year, but this also comes with recognizing how the positive can only exist with the negative.
Here are some of my major takeaways:
Summer 2018
The first quarter of this yearlong journey was a simple lesson in enjoying life without feeling guilty. I reclaimed what I would have liked my early twenties to have been, which was mostly spent feeling awkward, sad, angry, and alone.
This summer, I enjoyed the sun, I enjoyed the outdoors, the picnics, campfires, concerts, friends, barbecues, and cold drinks, no matter what day of the week. I’d like to say it was all without a hint of regret – freedom and joy in their purest form – but to be completely honest, there was a part of me deep down that continued to chastise. I just got better at ignoring it because I was having so much darn fun.
Fall 2018
With the cooling autumn air and dimming light of day, anxiety, guilt, and fear began creeping in. As I walked by neighbourhood schoolyards teeming with life once again, I fought against my internal current, which pushed me to go back to what was easy and familiar (for those of you who don’t know, my background was in elementary education).
I held my ground by indulging in books that fed my soul, meditating more regularly, attending spiritual ceremonies and alternative therapies, and surrounding myself with good people. The stillness and quiet I did manage to find assured me that I was doing the right thing. What I discovered eventually, however, was that this sort of spiritual seeking and healing had turned into an addiction. I craved the external validation that I was okay. On my own, I had much more trouble accepting it, and I had to be very careful with distinguishing support from dependency.
Winter 2019
Exactly halfway through the whole experience, on December 28th, Edgar and I celebrated our relationship in Mexico, with both our families and friends. People traveled from Canada, Germany, the Netherlands, Japan, and other parts of the country to be with us. The celebration and trip overflowed with love and abundance.
Returning to winter in Montreal afterwards, I took all the energy received from the event and used that to face the unforgiving cold and snow with a positive attitude. I promised that I wouldn’t complain about the weather and enjoyed all the time I spent inside, warm, clothed, and well fed. On at least 1-2 occasions, I managed to get my snow pants on and have fun outside, just like I did when I was a kid.
With all of this free time, I also encouraged myself to meet new people whenever I could. I attended events and workshops that seemed interesting and learned the importance of speaking to others for the sake of connecting and building community.
Things were going well, but sometime in February, I broke down. I was frustrated that the universe wasn’t throwing opportunities at me like I thought it would. I felt like my life was going nowhere and that I was more lost than ever.
Spring 2019
Patiently, I waited for spring to arrive as the final quarter of my journey rolled around. After completing my certificate in Family Life Education, I was convinced that pursuing the Master’s program in the same faculty was the solution to all my professional woes.
My hopes were shattered when I was told during my interview that I wouldn’t be recommended. For days, there was a feeling at the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t shake. Of course I was upset. After talking it through with some girlfriends, I realized that what hurt most wasn’t the rejection itself, but rather the shame of disappointing everyone that had supported me in the application process. Once I was able to unpack this, I made peace with my feelings and moved on. The rejection I used as fuel to propel me in the direction of new opportunities better suited for me. In this sense, the universe did have my back. It just didn’t show up the way I expected.
Summer 2019
After a full year, I now know what it feels like to choose joy, freedom, abundance, and connection – things that my circumstances didn’t even allow me to consider as options before. With this, I also recognize the internal work that needs to take place in order for me to have power over what I choose.
My year “off” has taught me that fear, anxiety, and self-doubt will always be an integral part of my story. What I’ve gained are the tools for me to stop and listen more compassionately when they show up to the party. And so as I continue to shame myself for being 4 days over the one-year mark and still not having gotten anywhere, I can choose to look back and appreciate how much I’ve learned and grown.
I can also focus on how much better I know myself and how much more clear my personal brand has become. Instead of only advertising the positive, I want to be real in sharing my struggle with the darker side of things. One can’t seem to exist without the other! I hope that can bring some value and meaning to you as it has for me.
Thanks for reading.
